over the last few weeks, as i've been working on packing up our home and preparing for the changes 2015 is going to bring, my heart has been full. i've been reading through journals and posts i wrote at the beginning of this year (let's not even talk about my lack commitment with my 2014 resolutions #smh) and finding all the little notebook scraps of thoughts i just never had the time to fully develop, and through the scribbled letters and tear stains; i've been finding His faithfulness. over and over. moment after moment. His faithfulness.
2014 was such a year of growth in my life. i started out as broken and tired. i needed life-- His life, His breath. and somehow as much as i tried, i couldn't seem to grasp it. i had to stop fighting for control and when the clenched fingers of my stubborn heart finally let go-- He came and gave me life again. it was a year of finding passions and realizing what makes my heart beat faster. and also it's been a year of hard stuff, learning how to let Him make me brave, learning how to keep an invincible joy, learning about coming home, learning how to be grateful for the beautiful people who make saying goodbye so hard, learning, learning, always learning.
but "it's been a beautiful fight, it still is."
JANUARY: was learning about community. and how important it is to be surrounded by people. it was restless nights, searching for something i didn't know i needed.
FEBRUARY: was sweet sixteen. it was birthday cards and full page letters in the mail from some of the dearest people. it was permit tests and driving on the road for the first time. it was hearing favorite songs on the radio for the first time and dwelling on who He Is.
MARCH: was carolina accents and reuniting with old friends and picking up right where we left off. it was dunkin donut runs, watching movies while making our own comments throughout the entire movie. it was that little tan house tucked back on a north carolina road. it was cousin shenanigans and 10:00pm carrot jello cravings. it seeing a smile on the face of a broken heart. it was good hearts and good laughter.
APRIL: was a growing month. it was learning how to put selfish feelings aside and give love. it was spring arriving and library book hauls. it was learning "to love the the skies i'm under." (mumford & sons)
MAY: was finding joy again. it was trying to get back the words i had lost and finding i don't hate summer quite as much as i thought i did.
JUNE: was finding forgiveness and healing. it was conferences with my bestie and coming to the end of myself all over again. it was tears of joy and tight hugs. it was once again, choosing love and learning how to keep choosing it.
JULY: was stretching. hard. yet, learning how to live with the curveballs life throws. discovering the people you called "home" for the longest time, don't feel like home anymore and then realizing that i guess maybe it's okay. maybe it's part of growing up.
AUGUST: was yellowstone adventuring. it was good books and family jokes. it was huckleberry froyo and learning to let Him make me brave. (still working on that one now though.) it was iced chai lattes and dowtown adventures with my kindred spirit. it was those moments when it just hits you-- how beautiful life really is.
SEPTEMBER: was kitchen dance parties and homemade pizza at midnight. it was running into old friends and making way to much applesauce. it was a bonfire night and realizing how blessed i am to be surrounded by so many good souls.
OCTOBER: was my favorite month. it was rainy afternoons and baking pie at 9:00pm. it was a first red rocks concert. it was golden leaves and tuesday night baking. it was photoshoots and 1am heart-to-hearts and early morning adventures with my best friend.
NOVEMBER: was finding contentment. learning how to wait. learning how selfish my heart still is. longing for more of Him and less of me.
DECEMBER: was a month filled to the very brim- graduations, semester finals, packing, traveling, Christmas. it was the month of peace and joy and bittersweet realizations. it was the month of realizing how growing up changes your outlook. i realized that i now see things so differently than i did as a child-- i can see the mistakes and the regret and the pain, but i can also remember the laughter, the bear hugs, the love, the safety. and i'm still working on finding the balance between the two perspectives.
oh, 2014, you've been one heck of a year and i will be forever grateful for the love and growth you brought to my life.
happy twenty-fifteen, friends! as the C.S. Lewis wrote, "further up and further in."
let's press deeply into the heart of Jesus this year!
xoxo. -marcia
